Recently, I had someone ask me why I won’t let Bobby off the hook yet. I actually asked myself the same question not long ago. (Need the back story? Click here)
Sometimes it really does get tiresome. And it hurts. Fuck does it hurt – over a year later!!!! There is pain there, for sure. And betrayal. And love. Still. So much. That’s something I don’t like one bit. I miss (albeit less everyday) the man I once knew and the potential for the man I know he has the capability of being. I still cry. I have friends, like Jamie, who push me to admit that I still care and hold space for me to release those sacred tears. Because they are just that – sacred.
Every time I sit down and listen for Divine guidance, I get the distinct feeling like this STILL needs to be pushed and brought out into the spotlight. Of course, I questioned that the other day, as our human brains do. I was feeling pained pushing forward with putting his behavior and our interwoven experience out in the open and just wanted to stop. It’s like tearing off the dressings of a deep heart wound all over again. I just wanted it to STOP.
And then I get this letter from a woman in Canada that I have never met nor spoken to – EVER (and she has given me permission to share):
I just wanted to thank you for being so real with all of us. You’re a real inspiration to me.
I am married to an alcoholic and it got really bad, his drinking. I asked him to move out to take care of it as I knew he wouldn’t if he stayed at home. Surprisingly, he quit cold turkey. But in the meantime, I’m so ashamed, but I cheated on him. It was a ‘friend’ of ours, but someone that knew we had issues and was always there with a listening ear, etc.
Well, I ‘bit the bullet’ and told my husband. He was devastated and got angry and I totally understand. But this ‘friend’ flat out denied it up and down, still does. This just happened this past weekend.
My husband moved home and wants to work things out. He knows why I did it, not out of revenge or spite but because I truly thought this guy cared and he paid attention to me. He ‘listened, but only for one purpose. What a predator. Ugh. I’m so disgusted with myself for falling for that. I felt so guilty, and still do, but I finally feel free of this big ugly secret.
This guy tried to intimidate me to keep me quiet, but that’s when I got angry. After everything I had told him, after everything he said to me, I couldn’t believe that he would try to pull that on me. I have a lot of patience, but when someone tries to scare me into submission, good luck! I get very angry.
I found myself thinking of you and what happened with you. You were one of my inspirations to stand up for myself and take control of my life again. I still feel fear and shame, but I know that I could only start to heal by being honest about what I had done.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for showing me and everyone else an example. Yes, it sucks, it’s shitty, but now I don’t have to be fearful of this person using intimidation or me hating myself so much. As I said to my husband, it’s really shitty but I’m so thankful that I told him. He completely agreed.
Anyway, thank you so much for being courageous and sharing your story to help others.
So there is my “why”.
My sign. My HUGE sign.
Why it is crucial to keep pressing on and sharing my life experiences.
And it’s just that – sharing my life experiences. Sharing them so that others can feel inspired, connect, grow, and expand in their personal awareness and consciousness along their self discovery journey.
It’s not keeping Bobby on a hook. If he feels that way, that’s his to handle in his own way. I am unable to fix that for him and I refuse to dim my light to fit inside the box he clearly believes I belong in. He can get angry and manipulative by trying to placate me with soothing words and then turn around and attempt to insinuate that I’m not coming from a place of love or light when I won’t respond to him by saying that I am incapable of working with Guides and Angels because I get angry (Wtf?! What human DOESN’T get angry sometimes?!). It won’t change a single aspect in how I share some of my most intimate and soul-deep life experiences.
All of his pain and frustration in handling this is just that. His. His resistance to what is. Just like mine is mine. Difference is, is that I’ll admit mine in full view and in full disclosure. For me, that soul baring brings about a sense of freedom and authenticity that I’ve not had before. Bobby seems to refuse to do so for his own reasons. And that too, is okay.
So I will continue on with my writing. And I will soldier on with digging deep and sharing the most intimate parts of me. It’s this reason – that piece of resistance – that I’ve allowed to hold me back from writing a blog piece since May. It has broken free and loosened its grip. A deeper sense of clarity and freedom are to be had once again.
For those who have supported me on my journey, my eternal gratitude and love. For those who are new to this arena with me, welcome – and hang on to your hats. It could be a doozy of a ride…and it just might get a lot brighter out there before too long.
xoxo – Mel