It pisses me off and makes my strongish yet delicate and courageous heart just effin’ ache all over again.
You think you’ve got it all wrapped up. The pain from that nasty pause, breakup or whatever the hell it is that you want to call it. It could have been two months ago or two years ago. The timeframe doesn’t really matter. You’ve dealt with the waves of emotions that innately bubble to the surface that come with healing those tender wounds. Healed…or mostly healed anyhow.
You’re able to say it is what it is and love or no love, however you choose to view it, it was a learning experience to be had. And – you believe it. A massive, crack your heart open, soul magnifying, digging deep into the well of personal surrender kind of experience that you’d never trade in a million years but also gently shake your head and hold back alligator tears when asked if you’d ever go there again – all the while your heart silently screams something else entirely.
And then…I read a simple, sweet romance novel and find myself getting defensive and snarky and bitchy at the main character as he acts all suave and debonair, sweeping this delightfully adorable woman off her feet.
Really? Cuz that shit just doesn’t happen…not in real life…not unless he plans on eventually breaking your heart and only keeping you around for as long as you are useful to him. Then he’ll keep you around honey, but don’t hold your breath waiting. You’re liable to turn blue in the face and suffocate if ya do.
Whoa…wait a minute…you don’t really believe that, do you???
And you wonder where the hell that lack of trust came from, because that’s SO not like you —
And you realize…you’re not quite as thoroughly healed as you though you were. That scab just got ripped off and sweet baby Jesus, it hurt. And it hurt badly. Deeply. Down to the damn core.
Then…you see it. That crack that was covered up so skillfully. So artfully. The one that is starting to widen into a ferocious, darkened, fog-filled canyon because it hurts THAT much. And it refuses to be ignored any longer.
And you cry some more.
You get it out and clear it up…
And you realize – that was just one more layer of healing, of growing, of building yourself into the person you are destined to be.
Letting yourself feel it all. Every last ounce of it. Even if – EVEN IF – it hurts like hell, there is a lesson to be learned. A space to be expanded into. A wound to be healed…
The heart is a beautiful thing and even in it’s healing and expansion, as much as it stings right now – its light is growing bigger and brighter by the second…
Shine on, sweet baby girl. Shine on.