“My experience being a woman – the love and the struggle”
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Being a woman is a gift, we are powerful, beautiful creatures. Let’s celebrate and own ALL of it together today, what you love and what you struggle with. We’re in this together! ~ Liz DiAlto
My experience of being a woman – WOW – so many thing come to mind. Two distinct experiences rise to the top immediately; being a mother to two amazing children and being a lover/companion…to an unavailable man.
The first, most absolutely fabulous, beautiful, scary, and priceless experience that I truly cherish and has pushed me to expand in ways that always delightfully surprise me is being a mother to two amazingly smart and brilliantly creative kids. My son and my daughter are my heart and soul, although it’s been a balancing act since becoming a single mom. My divorce, although quite amicable, unexpectedly threw me into the deep end of my spiritual and personal growth. Learning to balance my physical and spiritual energy has been quite the challenge. Sometime I feel I’m not good enough as a mom, that I’m not giving enough of myself…and then I take pause to remember that I’m always enough for them, especially in their eyes. By taking care of myself as best I can, I AM taking care of them. One lesson that took me a long time and some hard soul-searching to really understand and breath into fully, even if I’m just starting to scratch the surface of that process. My authentic living and loving to the best of my current ability; triumphs and tribulations, successes and failures alike, is all that they truly need – and the rest will come as it’s needed. Putting the comparisons, judgements, and criticisms on myself all based in fear is not what I want to teach my children to live from. I want to teach them to live a life based in love, starting with loving themselves, regardless of the circumstances and other people’s perceptions. Learning to care for myself, even if it’s been in baby steps, before taking care of everyone else, has been key and an always evolving process; every day, every moment.
Then…we get to the matters of the romantic heart. For me, that comes in the form of being that intimate lover and companion for a man who is completely and totally unavailable (name the barrier, it’s probably there) as I sit and wait…and wait…and wait. Till I finally say enough is enough. Or…at least I’ve thought about doing it. I THINK about walking away and leaving him and his picture-perfect life alone. It’s not fair for him to have his cake and eat it too while I allow my heart to be torn to shreds in the process. I have wanted to be done at times. You for whom this totally resonates and you are now in tears – I wager you want to be done too sometimes. And you don’t know how or if you even should want to. You weigh the pros and cons. The maybe’s and whatif’s. Jesus, it’s a damn crap shoot when or if you’ll hear from him that day – or better yet, even that week. Your heart tugs and pulls. The hot tears fill your eyes. Rationalizing mine and his behavior and emotions has become my favorite past time (insert snarkiness here) and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it, I must say. I’m gonna wager you’re pretty good at it too, if you’ve been in similar shoes. And then there comes the day, right now – TODAY – where I come out of the closet of shame and guilt of having made such a crazy ass choice for the past two years, and ‘fess up to being involved in an intimate relationship with a married man, one who has one foot out the proverbial door, and that I know, in reality, probably has very little chance of viability, regardless of the promises and intentions. I love him in the only way I know how to love him, aside from the fact that nobody else thinks I ought to and every ounce of head logic within my body says I shouldn’t; I just simply do. But now it’s out there…and I know I’m not the only one who’s been there. It’s a relationship that has provided me with the most incredible highs and the most devastatingly nasty lows, but it’s also an experience that has facilitated the expansion of my awareness of myself and the world around me in ways I would never have had the opportunity to do so within any other sort of circumstances. But how many women are willing to step out and support one another in their soul-searching and self-growth in a positive manner rather than demeaning and bashing me (and the other women like me) because of a choice that has the potential to be so devastating to so many? It’s because of this project – with the safety net of amazing woman that is all of you – that I’ve stepped out of the shadows because I just KNOW I’m not alone.
Yeah…I think that’s good for one day. It’s honest. It’s real. It’s my experiences as a woman that are making me stronger day by day that are at the top of the list – for NOW.
***Photo courtesy of Danielle Donald