It’s been awhile since I’ve really sat down to write. Mostly, because I’ve let myself play small. Play into the idea that I didn’t have anything worth writing about. That I didn’t have an idea or a concept or an experience that really had any brilliance or glimmer to it. Nothing that anyone would really want to read about anyhow or could relate to… And then, the ah-ha hit. And it hit like a ton of bricks. Yeah, well, as most if you who know me know, sometimes that’s exactly what it takes to knock some sense into my full of bullshit, massively huge pity party that I allow myself to wallow in every so often. I.e. Massive self-doubt.
I’d been contemplating writing a piece on progress. How progress, in so many ways, doesn’t necessarily look like how we, as humans, think it should. And even how helping someone to make progress in their own life doesn’t necessarily look like how THEY or WE think it should, as if there is a magic timeline of sorts. Continually, I kept talking myself out of sitting down and writing, convinced that I hadn’t progressed enough in certain aspects of my life yet to have anything that even felt remotely worthwhile sharing with anyone, even though my intuition kept knocking on the proverbial door. It’s a soul-searching place and can feel very scary, very vulnerable. At the same time though, it can be extremely liberating and freeing to connect with people through writing. So why would I avoid that feeling of freedom, right? I mean, was I nuts??? I started to beat myself up with all kinds of self-sabotaging words. Let myself focus on feelings and emotions that didn’t feel good and truly didn’t serve me and my higher good. BUT…they felt SAFE. They felt comforting in almost a sick sort of way. They felt secure and safe and comfortable. All of those things are feelings that we crave in life but all too often are the very cravings that hold us back from unleashing our own divine brilliance.
In my pity party, I had decided to make it a movie night. Something of this nature actually tends to make me more sappy, more sulky, and more frustrated than before I went because I tend to pick the ethereal chick-flick movie. Yeah, THAT kind of number wasn’t gonna do my head OR my heart any good. So, out of pure curiosity, we went to “Divergent”. I’m telling you right now, if you haven’t seen this and feel like you are just beginning your spiritual journey here on Earth (which is a farce anyhow, but that is for another day), then you MUST watch this movie. I walked away completely inspired. Inspired in my so-called differences, my quirks, my eccentricities, my total and utter uniqueness that I now saw as that these parts of me are what people love about me. This is what I love about me. All the crazy, crossing the line, outside the box, non-traditional thinking and feeling that drew all kinds of amazing and loving people into my life. And so…off to the tattoo studio we went.
Yup, that’s right. I went and got inked. At 36 years old, I had the Mantra of Compassion permanently etched into my wrist in heavy black ink Sanskrit.
It represents the ah-ha moment of having the utmost compassion for myself and for others. One I never want to forget. Talking to myself in a tender and loving way that doesn’t beat me up for not feeling in the “groove” of writing but encouraging me that I would know when that perfect “nudge” would hit. Like it is tonight. And so sometimes we come to realize that progress, even in the smallest and most unnoticeable ways is still forward progress, regardless of what we label it. Regardless of what we allow others to label it. We can do nothing more than progress. You can’t unlearn something. It’s impossible. You continually move forward with the knowledge that you have gained.
So, I guess my words to you, dear sweet one, is to please be gentle on yourself. Love yourself. Comfort yourself. Support your dreams and ambitions. But know that you can do all of these things and still take that big leap into the unknown of starting something new and not knowing how it’s gonna end…kinda like how this blog piece started. Start on the path and trust that you are progressing and moving forward at what is just right for you NOW. Because NOW is all we can be in.
“Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine. If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be shocked. You are far more wonderful than you think you are. Rest with that. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine. More than fine. Better than fine. You’re doin’ great. So relax. And love yourself today.”
~ Neale Donald Walsch