Helpless. Even the sound of the word makes me cringe and wince inside. And it’s a damn hard conversation to have sometimes, just talking about how helpless we feel, or even admitting that’s how we are feeling at all. It’s not a fun emotion yet I and so many others purposely place our ourselves in situations of feeling this dull, heavy, dark emotion. Why? What purpose does that serve? For me, it was a moment of clarity in the middle of a night filled with a lot of self-loathing, comparisons, and insecurities that made me realize that I only feel helpless in the situation if I ALLOW myself to be. If I stand up and claim my own power back, say “Fuck it! I won’t let you or anybody else take me away from me again. I refuse to give myself and who I am up, this sparkling, glittering ball of love and inspiration and strength, for less than what I KNOW I deserve. Not now and not ever again,” then…THEN there has been some mighty strong intention set and things are bound to shift. That powerful push into not only compassion but of self-compassion rises to the surface of the heart.
We’ve all been there. Those conversations are hard to have…those ones where we have to look ourselves square in the eye in the mirror. The ones that you tip toe to the very precipice of that ledge. Look across the gaping space to the other side. “Do I really want to take that leap? Do I want to crack my own heart so wide open for the chance that something so big and so amazingly wonderful could actually unfold in my life and I never in my wildest dreams could imagine how magnificent it might possibly be?” For me, once again, I felt crushed by having an expectation of someone that never materialized and all the words in the world wasn’t gonna change that last night. But what I uncovered within myself in the wee hours of the morning, through uncomfortable and yet cleansing tears of personal reflection and contemplation that followed was that the choices made by my friend, are about them, not me. I have committed wrongs. I have apologized profusely. I have shown as much as I could my love for them and the connection we have. And THAT is all I could do. No amount of feeling helpless and bashing myself was going to make either of us feel better. All I can do is love them in the best way I know how. Step into my own personal power of loving and opening to receive love and know and truly TRUST that that’s the most powerful piece of healing that there is to offer.
Trust and love…
Whoever thought it could be quite so simple?