“I’m sitting outside, chai tea in hand, huddled under a blanket and watching the stars twinkling in a perfectly clear sky.
It never fails, I sit under the stars and the tears start to silently slide down my cheeks like they always do. If anybody will understand this, you will when I say that I just want to feel like I’m home….yet I’m not quite sure where “home” is. It’s times like this…right now…that I long for you to be here…because I know you…you would understand this about me.”
This…this was my message to one of my closest and dearest friends the other night…and I felt LOST. Screw sad, unhappy, angry, or bitter. I felt 100%, completely, utterly homesick for something that I don’t even know what the hell it is. And it scared me. Big time. I’m not about to sit here on some big ol’ pedestal and pretend like I have it figured out. This feeling, this sense of longing for a place that felt “other than” terrified me and I couldn’t figure out why.
Not your typical lost. I think we clarified that, right? 😉 Of course, anyone who knows me knows I’m geographically challenged and can get lost on a main highway (no, I’m not kidding…lol). Lost…heart lost?…soul lost?…or maybe not so much lost as wandering…
I think we are all at some point looking for that sense of “home”. For some, it’s right where you are. You’ve found IT (or IT found you) and it feels good. Better than good. Warm. Enticing. Creative. Passionate. Safe. Welcoming. Like the smell of freshly baked bread after being out in the cold all day long kind of comfortable. And you love it. Revel in it. Thrive in it. It’s your “home”. It might even change addresses every so often, but you know how to get right back in it. Home.
For others (ah-hem) it’s still a constant journey. A pervasive longing of sorts that when poked and prodded at ever so slightly with that walking stick of truth, it opens up the flood gates. Yeah, those damn wrought iron, padlocked, you-ain’t-gettin’-through-here-come-hell-or-high-water gates. The ones that hold back the uncomfortable stinging of hot, salty tears that fill your eyes JUUUST enough to rest there till it feels like your gazing through a magnifying lens…and then…they fall. Not just one or two, but the whole kit and caboodle. Each one playing a vicious game of roller coaster down your face. Well now, are we havin’ fun yet folks?! Oye vey…
A wandering soul is not necessarily lost, however…
It’s like I explained to my friend, it’s not that I don’t want to be “here” per se, but this space that I’m in doesn’t feel like home. My soul, my heart, whatever it is, it cries out for a more connected, more fulfilling, more passionate me. I’m getting there. Holy smokes! The last year and a half I’ve been busting my ass discovering those things about my Self and about life that make my heart sing. And cry. And glow. And tremble with passionate anticipation for the next step in the journey. I’ve been ever so slowly and cautiously (maybe too cautiously?) peeling back each layer, one at a time, excavating the “me” that I know I am and letting her blossom and shine in a way that she never has. Yet why do I still feel that pang of homesickness? I have been known to be a bit impatient (you can laugh, you know who you are) and get caught on the defensive fence more times than I care to admit. So why not just throw every last ounce of courage and ferocity at this beast, wrestle it to the ground, and figure it out once and for all? Because sweetheart, it just doesn’t work that way. At least not for me right now. Don’t ask how I know. I just do. Trust me. There’s something to be said for the power of a mighty flowing river and it’s strength and it’s not in bulldozing and struggling through every obstacle that crosses its path. Softness. Kindness. Grace. Compassion. Patience. Love. Yup. There it is again…that touchy-feely word…ya knew it would sneak in here somehow.
I honestly have no idea where I’m going with this piece…only that I KNOW I’m not the only one who’s here now or who has been here before. Which is the whole reason why I write these pieces…to let others know, “Hey, I GET it. And ya know what? You are not alone.”
Did you catch that?
You. Are. Not. Alone.
…and Universe just slapped me upside the head…I think I may have very well just answered my own question.