Over the last week or so, I’ve come across some hefty realizations. EVERYBODY has skeletons in their closets. EVERYBODY. I don’t care what kind of pedestal you put a person on, there is a crack that may or may not go unnoticed. But it’s still there. And so what? That’s the beauty of being human, isn’t it? We do what we do.
As we relate to one another, we raise each other up in joy and love, comfort and acceptance. We shine our light out for all to see and help guide and support the best we know how. We also have torn ourselves and some of those we love to shreds with shame and judgment, with manipulation and bitterness. Whether it be through our actions towards our closest of friends or in our own self talk, we have the power to be our own greatest hero or our own greatest villain.
The actuality is that it’s all a beautiful learning experience. Every last second. To the degree that we have felt pain, helplessness, and fear and by allowing ourselves to work through it, feel it, and release it, we then create that space to be capable of feeling courageousness, acceptance, and love to that very same degree. To the extent that we have judged another and defined them by their actions and maybe felt the sting in our own hearts when we do so, Universe inexplicably provides us the opportunity to experience that of being judged, so as to feel that same hurt from the other side.
The notorious handing over of the coin…you can’t have one side given to you without the other side as well. I’m learning this lesson all too well recently…
For my entire adult life, I never believed I was deserving enough to have the kind of love that I knew I wanted. I didn’t feel worthy enough. I had told myself the lie that all of my past experiences and flaws made me so undesirable that nobody would ever want me. I even set myself up and put my heart in the middle of a set of train tracks that I had a sneaking suspicion early on was going to reduce my heart into a heap of smoldering rubble. Sabotaged my own sense of self for a what ended up being love with strings attached, which we all know isn’t really love at all, just a form of control coming strictly from ego. Shit, I’ve found it amazing that I’ve come as far as I have, but I’m damn proud of the woman I’ve become. All of the unworthiness I’ve felt, and still do at times, could be “blamed” on this reason or that – sexual abuse as a child, an alcoholic mother, being used as a pawn by a lover, some not so savory personal choices that turned my life upside down, and the list could go on and on.
Screw that. So what? It happened. And I’m a stronger woman for it. Did those experiences suck? Yup. They did. But guess what? I chose some of those experiences. And I choose not to be a victim to any of them. I’m ok. I. Am. Ok. I am acknowledging the cracks in my life, past and present, and filling them in with the greatest mending agent known to man – self compassion and self love.
Anybody close to me here this week has seen that, felt that, has cried a few tears from it with me or for me, and is seeing me emerge a stronger, wiser, more confident woman who is slowly but surely gaining her power back. Just as importantly though, I’m also uncovering a new and deeper sense of outward compassion. A level of compassion that I’ve been witnessing for the last two years yet never identified it for what it was before. Someone who has shown me that kind of compassion and who knows all my dark, dirty secrets, who didn’t judge me for them, and who loves the brilliance and beauty within that is me…and who, oddly enough I’m finding has been battling all the very same demons of self worth and undeservedness, fear of judgment and ridicule as I, who also has the most inspiring inner light and exquisite beauty, only I never saw it all come together until now. One who also made me believe in myself enough to know that I am a sensual, intelligent, sensitive, courageous, stunning, and brave human being, deserving of the greatest love I could possibly imagine. That of myself.
“I get that you’re scared and that you’ve been hurt. But doing what is easy and safe is no way to live, and a life without passion and love is so far beneath what you deserve.” ~ Kiersten White, ‘The Chaos of Stars’
I’m finding compassion more and more for those who are questioning themselves and who they are, shaming themselves from past actions, talking themselves into a corner of anxiousness and unworthiness that just is not true. We are ALL worthy of receiving love, that kind that inspires you, that makes you feel free, that accepts you just as you are, regardless of what your past looks like, beginning with unconditional love from ourselves.
And then…Oh, sweetheart, then…once you’ve made that leap…the dark places, the skeletons in the closet…well, quite simply…their power goes away and they just don’t seem quite so scary anymore.